You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
You Might Also Like
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.