me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.