So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You Might Also Like
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?