Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms