angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
adam and eve had first world problems
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.