[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE