What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
@funTweeters I am at your service….
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone