Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie