Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
LA today:
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.