FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You Might Also Like
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point