This is why I hate group projects
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Some people were born into their job.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”