Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?