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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.