I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.