Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money