This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
sin harder.
🖤✌🏽
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.