I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
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It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.