So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me