I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No