It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”