No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?