If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.