sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate