Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this