At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
That 👊
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…