Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake