The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Goodnight 🐶
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣