relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*has no idea what a book even is*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Is….Is this an option?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge