Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I love twitter
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News