When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
this FaceApp is creepy af
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I didn’t come here to be called names
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”