I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?