Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.