Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?