i’m laughing very hard in real life
You Might Also Like
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Sing it!
you stereotypes are all alike
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier