I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Just a friendly reminder!
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Whoa 😂
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.