My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.