Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.