*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.