ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
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Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
this is so top tier i cant
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
congratulations to them
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year