Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.