Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
describing stardew valley