“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The honesty is refreshing
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses