Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
You Might Also Like
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Don’t we all.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.