*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
A double negative is a big no-no.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.