You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.