[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese鈥檚 eggs
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not hungover you鈥檙e just awake.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”