i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*limbos under the caution tape
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one