girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.