Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Just had my nails done!
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.