Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
You Might Also Like
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Check your privilege
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call